Sunday, April 20, 2014

Easter Blessings

Sometimes I am stunned by the words my children speak.  This morning I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that God spoke directly to me through my daughter.  Her words pierced a part of my soul that so desperately needs the light of Christ. 

During Brunch this morning, we told the kids that before we went to Easter Dinner with our friends we were going to visit the grave of Josephine, William and Teresa Benedicta.  I had some white cloth I wanted to place on the cross marking their grave.  A little while later, while I was helping to dress Clare for the day, this conversation occurred:

Clare:  Mom, are you still so sad about the babies?

Me:  (tears beginning to fill my eyes) Yes.

Clare:  Are you sad because they aren’t feasting with us here today?

Me: (pause…deep breath...trying to hold the tears in) Yes, I miss them so much, Clare. 

(A minute or so of silence.)

Clare:  Mom, I know you are sad.  I see you cry a lot.  But Mom, you know they are having a bigger feast in Heaven, right now, with Jesus.  (Said with a glimmer in her eyes and a big smile!)

Me: (No use holding the tears back now) Actually Clare, I needed that reminder. That is such a beautiful thing you spoke to mommy, especially on Easter.  Thank you for listening to Jesus, in your heart, and sharing those words.

I still have much to learn on this journey.  I still have much healing that needs to be done. But, our good Lord used a child this morning to remind me that as I continue to work through my deep sorrow, fear, unfulfilled desires, and pain, that there is still hope. As much as I long for my children, the ones I was never able to know in this world, I need to rejoice and find peace in knowing that they have already reached the goal!  They are partaking in a feast much greater than any I could give them here on Earth.  And isn’t that what I should desire for my children as their mother?  I have been lost in a sea of grief, obsessed with what I have lost and forgetting what I have in fact gained.  I have gained three little saints. And today, of all days, I am reminded that Jesus conquered death, and so one day I will be able to see my children again.

Please pray for me.  Pray that I can hold onto the truths I know, but too often do not grasp on to in my heart.  Pray that I can be patient with myself.  Pray that I can be patient as we wait for God’s timing in blessing us with new life, and that I can be at peace each time he chooses not to give new life. Please pray that my heart can truly only desire what God desires for me. And please pray that I can fully embrace and practice what Saint Augustine reminds us, "We are an Easter people and alleluia is our song!"

 Happy Easter dear friends and family!  Be assured of my prayers for you!!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

All Life is Worthy of Celebration

I would like to introduce you to Teresa Benedicta Pohlmeier, our newest saint in Heaven!  Isn't she beautiful?!?!  Life is beautiful,precious and sacred.  I was blessed to carry her in my womb for almost 13 weeks, and her heart beat within me for nine weeks.  She brought me so much joy and happiness those few weeks.  I didn't care at all that I was sick or tired, I was so excited for this new little soul.  I had so many dreams and hopes for her, and was already weaving her into our family life in my mind.  She was never to be born into this world though. 


I joyfully entrust her soul to Heaven's glory, and I surrender her to Jesus with open arms, knowing she was never only mine.  Yes, I am heart-broken.  The grief is real.  It is horrible, and it comes in waves.  Some days are good.  Some days are bad.  But, Jesus walks with me through every day.  And I have hope.  Hope knowing I will meet my baby girl one day in Paradise.  Until then, she holds a unique place in our family life.  She joins two siblings as pure intercessors for our family.  Help us become saints sweet children, so that we can worship our Almighty King one day along with you!

Josephine Francis (10/7/11), William Blaise (2/11/12) and Teresa Benedicta (12/6/13), Pray for us!

Below I want to share a reflection I wrote surrounding my miscarriage.  Beauty can always be found in the Cross, we just have to pray for the grace to see it and accept it.

Beauty in the Storm

Ice storms potentially invite us to view exceptional beauty.  Though the storms seem harsh and inconvenient at times, and even causes chaos and brokenness, when we stop and look at nature amidst the storm we can see something beautiful.   Have you ever stopped and looked at a tree following an ice storm?  Trees look stunning and magnificent when the pristine ice covers their branches.  And when the light catches the ice it is simply breathtaking! 

I find it to be no coincidence that when I awoke on the morning of December 6, 2013, I found the predicted ice storm had come to Little Rock. I was also not surprised to find that my miscarriage was beginning.  God called to me that morning.  I woke up at 5 am and made my way down to the dining room for some much needed prayer time.  I knew I was going to need all the stamina I could muster to face the day.  It was so dark, but I decided to open the blinds to find a nice focal point for prayer.  What I found was remarkable.  Outside the window stood a beautiful little tree.  Its branches were bare, but covered with a layer of crystal clear ice.   And what was even more striking was the way the tree sparkled in the moon light. 

I am like the tree.  I am in an ice storm.  Though my trial seems harsh, cold and chaotic, when I stop and reflect on it, it is making me more beautiful.  Yes, I may lose a few limbs.  I need to be pruned.  Please Jesus, remove my imperfections.  I want to be your most beautiful bride with no blemishes.  Cut my rotten limbs from me so that I may grow into the woman you have created.  If this miscarriage allows me to become more beautiful, to love you more, to participate and share your sufferings so that I begin to look more like you, then “thy will be done.”  I will not fear or run from the storm.  No, I will stop, look at the beauty the storm can create, and let the light of your love and grace make me sparkle.  My roots are deep in you Jesus, and a little ice from a storm will not kill me. It will only make me stronger and more beautiful!

****And if you don't mind please offer a prayer up for our family as we bury our little girl and celebrate a Mass in honor of her life on Monday, January 27, 2014!  Thanks!****