Sometimes I am stunned by the words my children speak. This morning I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that God spoke directly to me through my daughter. Her words pierced a part of my soul that so desperately needs the light of Christ.
During Brunch this morning, we told the kids that before we went to Easter Dinner with our friends we were going to visit the grave of Josephine, William and Teresa Benedicta. I had some white cloth I wanted to place on the cross marking their grave. A little while later, while I was helping to dress Clare for the day, this conversation occurred:
Clare: Mom, are you still so sad about the babies?
Me: (tears beginning to fill my eyes) Yes.
Clare: Are you sad because they aren’t feasting with us here today?
Me: (pause…deep breath...trying to hold the tears in) Yes, I miss them so much, Clare.
(A minute or so of silence.)
Clare: Mom, I know you are sad. I see you cry a lot. But Mom, you know they are having a bigger feast in Heaven, right now, with Jesus. (Said with a glimmer in her eyes and a big smile!)
Me: (No use holding the tears back now) Actually Clare, I needed that reminder. That is such a beautiful thing you spoke to mommy, especially on Easter. Thank you for listening to Jesus, in your heart, and sharing those words.
I still have much to learn on this journey. I still have much healing that needs to be done. But, our good Lord used a child this morning to remind me that as I continue to work through my deep sorrow, fear, unfulfilled desires, and pain, that there is still hope. As much as I long for my children, the ones I was never able to know in this world, I need to rejoice and find peace in knowing that they have already reached the goal! They are partaking in a feast much greater than any I could give them here on Earth. And isn’t that what I should desire for my children as their mother? I have been lost in a sea of grief, obsessed with what I have lost and forgetting what I have in fact gained. I have gained three little saints. And today, of all days, I am reminded that Jesus conquered death, and so one day I will be able to see my children again.
Please pray for me. Pray that I can hold onto the truths I know, but too often do not grasp on to in my heart. Pray that I can be patient with myself. Pray that I can be patient as we wait for God’s timing in blessing us with new life, and that I can be at peace each time he chooses not to give new life. Please pray that my heart can truly only desire what God desires for me. And please pray that I can fully embrace and practice what Saint Augustine reminds us, "We are an Easter people and alleluia is our song!"
Happy Easter dear friends and family! Be assured of my prayers for you!!